How To Win Him Back

Telling your children that you and your spouse have decided to separate or divorce is difficult on everyone -  not just the grownups, but the children too. How you tell your children about the impending divorce will set the stage and the tone of all divorce related procedures to follow. So, when and how do you break the news to them in a way that will not cause them emotional harm?

Often when a couple goes through a divorce, their children experience emotional problems and difficulty adapting to the new world that they’re now in. And, more often than not, the problem isn’t the divorce or separation itself. The problem can commonly be followed back to the way in which the separation was handled. So, for the moment, forget about free divorce papers and concentrate on the kids. Above all else, the separation should be handled with the children’s interest firmly in mind. The children have to be prepared for the separation about to take place. It can’t be just sprung on them as a surprise or afterthought.

Firstly, the decision to talk to the kids should be made collectively by both parents. Before you talk them, speak with your spouse and together determine when and how the children should be told. If you’ve been going to a marriage counselor, get his or her advice on how best to break the news. You can at least decide, beforehand, how you will answer the obvious questions that are sure to arise.

However you decide to precede, when you finally sit the kids down and tell them about the separation, don’t dismiss them until you have answered every one of their questions that you can. Even, if everyone has to stay up late into the night. Even if the kids have to miss school the next day, or you have to miss all or part of work. Don’t leave dangling questions in the air. Because if you do, their imagination will fill in the blanks for all the questions that you didn’t answer. And a child’s mental imagery can bring up all kinds of fearful and distressful rationalities for why one of the parents is going away. Is dad leaving because of me? Is mom leaving too? Will I ever see dad again? What did I do to cause this and what will happen to me?

A corollary to answering all of your children’s questions is to not tell them too much. Children have a limited amount of life experience and, depending on their age, their minds and emotions are not equipped to handle the more adult reasons why the two parents are separating. If an affair is the reason for the breakup, a young child doesn’t have to know that. A 3 year old kid has no concept of what an affair is. The same goes for something like emotional abuse which even some adults have a poor understanding of. This doesn’t mean that you ignore their questions. It means that you answer them to the best of your ability taking into account their limited maturity in being able to completely understand what is going on.

The most important thing in all of this is to make it 100% sure in their minds that no one is abandoning them. Make it clear that even the parent that is leaving is still going to be very much in their lives.

Keep in mind,  although it is in no way kid’s fault that the marriage is breaking up, they are the ones that are going to be left feeling rejected, angry, and confused when a parent leaves. It’s up to the parent to in some way replace the onetime marriage stability with an equally strong stable relationship during the separation. And the first act of constructing this new and stable relationship begins with how your tell them that the marriage is breaking up.

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